I was getting ready while my husband was at his dentist appointment. The kids asked me if I was leaving and I said yes, I’m going to work. They asked who would take care of them and I said my son (almost 6) was in charge (my husband was on his way home, don’t worry). I asked my son if he could take care of the younger 2 and he said yes. I asked if he could make them lunch and he said he could figure something out. Then I asked if he could put the youngest down for a nap and he lifted up his shirt, pointed to his nipple and said “As long as I don’t have to breast her!” #NoButIdLikeToSeeYouTry

Nursing my almost 1 year old son. Photo by N. Todd Photography

I feel as though social media has been a-buzz recently in an effort to #NormalizeBreastfeeding. As a mom with 3 kids, all exclusively breastfed, I’m glad to see people supporting such a simple yet important cause. I’ll be honest, I knew next to nothing about breastfeeding before having children. I actually have an embarrassing confession that I don’t think I’ve told anyone: once at a conference, I walked into a bathroom and saw a woman with an electric pump, sitting on the floor pumping. I honestly thought maybe she had some sort of illness or this was some new breast cancer treatment because I had never seen anyone pump before. Oh, and I was pregnant with my first child at the time. Needless to say, I quickly became educated in all things breastfeeding related, including learning what an electric pump was #ImStillEmbarrasedIDidntKnow.

The whole breastfeeding talk can unleash a huge can of worms and I was reluctant to even write anything about this particular Facebook status of mine (if you were to look up the definition of “non-confrontational” in the dictionary, my picture would be there). This leads to a bigger issue though, and that’s this “mommy wars” culture that seems to be arising. The fact that I was even reluctant to share thoughts on breastfeeding is a sad statement to this negative mom shaming trend. How we feed our children, what we feed our children, our choices in healthcare and medicine, how we get our babies to sleep at night, what type of schooling we chose, how we discipline or teach behaviors, even the way in which our children were birthed into this world – all of it can turn an innocent Facebook status or Instagram picture into a heated debate because “you’re wrong and I’m right”. I mean, really, you can hardly post anything related to parenting without offending someone #SomeoneWillBeOffendedByThatStatement

I’ll admit, I’ve struggled with this. Whether I vocalized it or not, I have judged other people’s parenting choices. It’s easy to fall into the mommy wars, especially if you feel particularly passionate about certain parenting practices. But I’m realizing that parenting is far from being cookie cutter; it’s a continued learning experience. As I enter my 6th year of parenting, while I know I have so much more to learn and experience, here are a few things that have stuck out as truths for me:

1) Parenting is not easy. It’s a wonderful experience where the blessings outweigh the difficulties, but it is also the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I didn’t realize I’d be so lonely. I didn’t realize it would challenge me to examine my weakness and struggles. I didn’t realize how physically demanding it would be. I didn’t realize how enraged I could get at the sight of cheese popcorn strewn about my comforter. These aren’t things that they don’t teach you in sex ed or birthing classes.

I honestly wanted to throw things when I saw this.

2) Knowledge is power. It also can come across as really annoying or even hurtful, so be careful about how you share it. Yes, I’ll occasionally post an article on my Facebook about something parenting related, but even that is happening less often. If I ever feel the need to actually address a parenting issue with a specific person, which usually is something car seat related because I feel like that is the one subject that actually does have a very real impact on the safety and well being of a child, I try to use the following formula: compliment, correct, compliment (I’ll admit I totally stole this from Paul in the Bible – many of his letters were structured like this #ThanksPaul #ImNotABiblicalScholar #JustSomethingIveObserved). I point out something positive, mention whatever it is I’m concerned about, then end with something positive. And not in a super cheesy, fake way. Most parents really are striving to be good parents so it’s not hard to find something to compliment. #DontBeCheesyLikeMyComforter

3) Sometimes we need to shut up. Like, seriously. If a new mom posts on Facebook at 3:42am how they’re about to lose their mind because their baby hasn’t slept in 3 weeks and won’t stop crying, don’t bestow your unwanted infinite wisdom on that poor, sleep deprived mama. Bring her some food, watch her baby for a couple hours and let her take a nap. #IveBeenThere #BothTheBestowerOfUnwantedWisdom #AndTheSleepDeprivedMom

With all that said, I am not a parenting expert and the longer I do this, the more I realize I never will be. But I am working on being a better support to all my fellow moms and dads. If you ever need a person to talk to, I’d love to be an ear. If I ever need to shut up, just tell me. And if you ever feel like you’re failing as a parent, just look at my picture of my comforter and say to yourself “Well at least my bed isn’t covered in bright orange cheese popcorn”. Seriously though, why is fake cheese covered popcorn even a thing? #BoycottMommyWars #SupportCheesePopcornWars